“Tango does not exist only on the dance floor. Tango is about looking for ways to adjust so you can truly communicate with the people you have in front of you. Tango is about embracing first.”

From the book Tangofulness: Exploring connection, awareness, and meaning in tango. (Opens in new tab)

Tango is.

When I started going to my first milongas, I saw the local superstars sitting at their tables, avoiding dancing with anyone that wasn’t at their level. “If they don’t have something to look forward to, what will make them try harder and develop their tango?” some of the superstars said. I made a promise to myself that when I become a better dancer, I won’t become a superstar like those.

A few years later, at the end of a milonga, I found myself saying the same sentence. “If they don’t have something to look forward to, what will make them try harder and develop their tango?” I froze. Wait, what? I realized this sentence said more about me than about the people I was choosing not to dance with. 

“What will make them try harder and develop their tango?” Why don’t you try to be a bit more human and a bit less of a jackass, I said to myself, and try to actually examine how you can inspire people to try harder? 

I tried to come up with a few answers, but it was a real experience that made me find a true answer. I was in the milonga of a big tango festival in Lisbon, Portugal. I saw the superstars again, sitting at their table, drinking champagne. Then I saw her. I always wanted to dance with her. She has shaped what tango is, she has been dancing tango for more years than I have been alive, and I loved to see her expression and movement whenever I saw her perform. When she talks about tango, you know why she is the maestra that she is, why she was invited to be a judge in the world tango championship, and why her name is known around the world. She lives tango. 

I looked at her. She moved her head slightly. Cabeceo accepted. We started dancing. Nothing fancy, I simply focused on my embrace. I knew that she was looking for essence, not steps. There is no step I could suggest that would make her say, “Wow!” She has danced with Gabriel Missè, Osvaldo Zotto, Aoniken Quiroga. We had our tanda.

I sat down during the next tanda. Guys came one after the other, asking me how it felt, how it was dancing with her. I realized they were treating her in their minds as an icon of tango, and rightfully so. But I wasn’t. 

In my mind, she was a human; a human who decided to give me a gift. She didn’t look at my technique level. She didn’t think that I had to try harder and practice more to dance with her. And yet, she has just given me a reason to try much harder. When you see greatness, when you touch greatness, when you surrender to greatness, you are inspired to try harder. At that moment, I wanted to be able to do only one thing: offer to others the gift I received. Make others feel as good as I felt. Help others feel as grateful as I felt. Pass the gift I was given. Because that is what humans should aim at; a society where we put each other higher, where we inspire, where we pass the gift.

Alejandra Mantiñan, thank you for that gift.

People leave tango every single day, frustrated. They see all their efforts being wasted while remaining seated all night long because nobody is dancing with them. People are leaving tango because they keep having disappointing dances. They leave tango and leave behind a piece of themselves that hoped, believed, wanted to express. And it is my fault and your fault that this happens. It is the fault of all those dancers who choose not to dance with someone unless they are at the same level, or their skirts are short enough, or maybe, maybe, they are prospects for the next private tango classes. I say fuck that. Let’s pass the gift. Pass it to everyone that is willing to try. Be human first. 

Look into your actions at the milonga, and ask what they say about you. Are you compassionate, are you giving, are you there to bring a smile to someone’s eyes, or help them cry and let go of their pain? Are you there to find the humanity in yourself and others? 

Tango does not exist only on the dance floor. Tango is about looking for ways to adjust so you can truly communicate with the people you have in front of you. Tango is about embracing first. In the words of the maestro Fernando Jorge, Tango is about making your hug and your behavior feel like a sofa: a place for others to rest, feel comfortable, let go. As a sofa, you are soft, but you are also truly there. Not too tight, but present. Not without form, but adjustable. Tango is about asking yourself to express. Tango is about allowing yourself to focus on beauty, feelings, touch.

Tango is about letting the newbies of tango see the beauty in it. Tango is about creating a smile with your dance or your stories. 

I recently heard a story by Marisol Morales. 

Years ago, tango competitions were held inside milongas. The milongueros were the judges. The contestants were dancing based on improvisation. One of the dancers was Alejandro Larenas, who is now the partner of Marisol. Alejandro at that time could not afford tango shoes. A milonguero saw him dancing and realized that he wasn’t winning because his shoes were not helping him dance. He asked his shoe size, and one week later he brought him the shoes. Alejandro, in the beginning, did not accept. The milonguero told him that one day he would also find a person that needs shoes. And at that time, he expected that Alejandro would buy that person the shoes. Twenty years passed since then. Alejandro was in a milonga at a festival. He saw a student that didn’t have tango shoes, but was going to all the classes. “You have talent, but why don’t you have shoes?” Alejandro asked him. “I have no money, the only money I had I used for the classes.” he said. Alejandro asked him his shoe size, and bought him the shoes.

Now that’s what I call “passing the gift.” The old milongueros teach us through their actions. I cried when I heard that story. And I cry as I write it.

When I started dancing tango, I also couldn’t afford tango shoes. Another student who was dancing a few more months than me, gave me his first pair that he wasn’t using anymore. It was a pair of Fabio shoes. I received that gift with gratitude. And yes, the shoes had already taken the form of his feet, but they gave me one more reason to try harder. Not because I was blocked from enjoying tango, but because I was allowed to see its beauty. Over a decade later, I still have this pair of Fabio shoes in my wardrobe, and use them every now and then. Simply looking at them while dancing reminds me of my first magical months of tango, where tango was all that I had left to help me with my recent breakup.

Let tango reveal to you your true self. Use tango to discover compassion, inspiration, humanity. 

Let the moments of frustration in the class teach you about dealing with the unknown. Let the bad tandas teach you to let go. Let the good tandas teach you to share. Let the music show you beauty, harmony, joy, forgiveness. And use tango to create, share, inspire, touch.

I love how Vaggelis Hatzopoulos and Marianna Koutandou, two of the 40 unique tango masters that helped write the book Tango Tips by the Maestros, see the essence of our personal journey through tango. For them, it is the ability not to be perfect and, at the same time, laugh about it, to understand deeper the person you have in front of you, and to make mistakes together, learn from them, and then keep moving and growing. 

This perception reminded me of a comment that a follower of my blog left in a blog post called “What if tango was like that?” The blog post ends with the question, “Why do you dance?” 

Martin responded: 

“To get used to this feeling of not being good enough, but still go out there and go 200% all in to experience a magical connection and dance together like nobody’s watching, caring about no one and nothing else except the one you dance with at that moment. Total focus on each other, making the music come alive through our dance together. Getting that I-do-not-want-to-let-you-go hug at the end. And knowing that you were at least once again, good enough.”

What a beautiful representation of what tango is for him—a journey to self-acceptance. 

I am not trying to force a meaning on you. Tango is. And that wasn’t a typo. Tango is. We simply try to forge our meaning, each one based on his/her own experiences and thoughts. I am just asking you, when it comes to understanding and developing yourself, what meaning do you give to tango?

Note: these thoughts are part of the book Tangofulness: Exploring connection, awareness, and meaning in tango.